Oh, Say Can You Speak?

For as long as I can remember I have had what most would probably call an unhealthy affinity for the Star Spangled Banner. The G-D national anthem. Yes, I'm that guy who takes his hat off and stands up even if I'm watching a game on TV in my bedroom or at a crowded bar. I don't like when people screw it up and I get particularly angry when some choose to turn it into some R&B creation of the soul. I'm pretty sure when Francis Scott Key penned it, it was not with the Cheetah Girls in mind. For the record, and this is factual information - The two greatest recordings to date are by LeAnn Rhimes, and Boyz II Men. If you don't believe me, I dare you to limewire these versions. Poetry in motion, seriously.

Anyway this story begins with a young boy, a very good looking and awesome boy, going to a Phillies game with his family. I may have been 10 years old at the time, possibly even younger. Excited about the game? Of course. Amped to get a hotdog and soda? No doubt. Anxiously awaiting a period of 2 minutes where everyone is silent except for the one person in the stadium who has the honor of belting out the greatest tune ever written? You betcha! Speaking of which, why doesn't every single person know the words to this song and sing along? Canadians rip up their song and it sounds awesome. I don't want to be less than Canadian.

And then it happened - the moment that almost ruined my life. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise and remove you hats and welcome James Earl Jones for the speaking of our national anthem." James Earl Jones?! Motherfucking Terrence Mann himself?! And did they just say he is going to SPEAK the national anthem? Yes they did. And yes, he did. "Oh...say can you see?... By the dawns early...light." And so on. I'll never forget looking around and seeing the faces of other people who were just as disappointed as I was. Honestly, to this day, it's the only time I have ever heard the Star Spangled Banner spoken, and I hope it remains that way. Perhaps you're reading this and you're thinking to yourself that I overreacted or that I still am currently overreacting. I encourage you to watch JEJ count - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaZyxCAYuoc

While he was in his third minute and was still on the first stanza I had a stunning realization. I hoped for my parents sake that Doctor Moonlight Graham wasn't too busy because I was about to purposely choke on my hotdog. "And the rockets....red....glare?" Ease my pain...Ease my pain. And please, don't get me wrong, i love JEJ. He's phenomenal. He's so good that he should have had the sense to turn down an offer to speak the national anthem. It's common courtesy. It's very much like when I get drunk and jump in with the band playing at a bar. I intentionally make myself sound bad, and more importantly make myself look like the drunkest asshole there, because i simply don't want to show anybody up. I'm just not into upstaging. Those poor suckers playing for peanuts don't need to know there is a superstar amongst them.

James Earl finally wrapped things up around the 7 minute mark and was treated to a mixture or golf claps and 'what the fucks.' And I've always wondered if he was as uncomfortable as I was. Someday when i meet him it will be the first thing i ask him. My second question will be "What was out in those corn fields?", in cause you're curious.

I've been waiting my entire life to meet someone else who was at that game. Hopefully the Binocular Pigeon can bring us together. I wonder what the suicide rate was that year. What's a horseshoe? Are there any horse socks? Is anyone even listening to me?

Here's some links to the best and worst of our country's theme song. Well at least it was until people started listening to Toby Keith and drinking Busch pounders in the driveway.



LINKS

Check out Whitney's track suit and the AWESOME hairstyles in the crowd.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qciWEufZ2xA


Maybe the presidency didn't work out for her, but Hillary should sing the national anthem at every WNBA game. We got next!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfZ_gXCHaMw

Personally, I celebrate the mans entire collection. And i write myself notes on my hand too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZrK_kOk8Lw&feature=related


Does it really take a tragedy to get people to sing? Yes, apparently it does.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmQzVQza9Ak&feature=related

Some people are oblivious to the properties of ice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwW3-PmA--A&feature=related

You can't fight the moonlight. You also shouldn't fight with bears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvQPqfIaHk8

The greatest group ever. No words needed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIRNrHzUwJQ&feature=related

If you're still reading this, don't miss this version!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y