Thank you's and Eff you's to former Phillies.

Usually this time of year I'm already sitting around with my degenerate friends griping about what could have been and what never will be. I used to think I'd be pushing daises while others celebrated a Phillies title, but nay... this was our year. In the now immortal words of the venerable Chase Utley, the Philadelphia Phillies are 'World Fucking Champions'. After discussing this topic with my buddy Jeff, I decided it would only be right to hand out a few thank you's to the forgotten guys, and a few Eff you's to the guys we'll never forget, no matter how many times we eternally sunshine our spotless minds.

This one's for you -

Robert Person. -- Stuck in the middle of a tired and haggered pitching staff in the late 90's you always provided a spark. Thanks for the time you hit a grand slam, and a 3 run homer in the same game. And thanks for almost hitting a second grand slam in that game - a screamer that went just foul. Did i mention he was our number 2 starter at the time? Without you, Brett Myers would still be swinging out of his shoes and coming up with air.

This one's for you -

David Doster -- The ultimate utility man. Played every infield position and stretched his magical professional career into a mind bottling 2 years. You were once overheard saying "I don't know why anyone would want my autograph." You worked hard, it's a shame you never had the stuff.

This one's for you -

Rob Ducey -- Journeyman outfielder. Never blew us away in the field or at the dish. But you have one of the funniest last names of all time. Hang your hat on that.

This one's for you -

Doug Glanville -- Sure, maybe you did cost Eric Milton a no hitter when you miss-played a routine fly ball to center, but we're over that. It was Eric Milton for Christ sake. You could have been timed with a sun dial on the base path, but your production from the lead off spot was admirable to say the least. With an engineering degree from Penn we hope to see you again soon. Maybe you can be there to accurately measure the first ball that Ryan Howard hits OUT of the bank.

This one's for you -

Yorkis Perez -- The world may have forgotten about you, but I haven't. If you're ever in King of Prussia go down Crooked Lane until you get to Yorkis road and think about yourself, as I do, every time I am lucky enough to take that trip.

This one's for you -

Bruce Chen -- You smooth swinging switch hitting pitcher. You were so smooth you only managed to make contact with the ball 3 times in your two years here. But your focus was the mound and boy did you ever take the ball and run with it. From 2000-2002 you went 7-9 in 31 starts while giving up 92 runs. Not bad Bruce, I thought it was way worse before I looked it up.

This one's for you -

Vincente Padilla -- You're the ugliest man alive. But without you, we would have never had the oh so clever Flotilla. We'll all float on Vinny, we'll all float on.

This one's for you -

Rico Brogna and Travis Lee -- Your defense should never be overlooked just because you were playing on an awful team. Thanks for trying to hit also. Some guys just don't have it.

This one's for you -

Mickey Morandini -- A lot of people forget how long you played with this team. You were still here until we traded you away mid way through the 2000 season to none other than the Toronto Blue Jays. You're the runner up to Vincente Padilla, but you once signed an autograph for me, and that's pretty stand up of you.. My mom used to say you look like a river rat. None the less, it always looked like the number 12 was wearing you out there and not the other way around. You're the best thing to ever come out of Kittaning, Pennsylvania. You're the only thing to ever come out of Kittaning, PA.

This one's for you -

Ricky Botallico -- God, you were abysmal. I would honestly just feel bad not saying something nice about you, so... You're pretty good on Post Game Live.

This one's for you -

Turk Wendell -- Not since Macho Row have we seen a guy as crazy as you. Loved your pooka shell necklace, and no one could hop a baseline with the flare you did it with.

This one's for you -

Mike Lieberthal -- Thanks for all the effort, and thanks for getting wasted at the Conshy Pub with Randy Wolfe that one night during the '04 season. I watched your head bounce off the bar and then saw you make two errors the next day. I agree, that team sucked.

This one's for you -

Jason Michaels -- You punched a cop and your ticket out of town on the same night. Impressive.

This one's for you -

Rheal Cormier -- You continuously put out the effort year after year at the tender age of 63. But it was your off season commitment that I'll always remember. An avid badminton player, you were contractually obligated to not take part in any games because the shuttlecock (thats a real word) might injure you. And you never did. Enjoy retirement, you bastard. thank you.

This one's for you -

Cory Lidle -- You play for the Angels now. You seemed like a good egg, and you always wanted the ball. Rich Dubee will carry your torch.

This one's for you -

Todd Pratt -- You were a lifer. I don't count your time with the Mets as real baseball. You're a Phillie for life. I think you juiced a lot, but you never played, so no one ever became suspicious. You're the Tank, what else can i say?

This one's for you -

Placido Polanco -- I'm pretty sure you got into Griffey's hair tonic, but somehow we found a helmet to fit that thing. Take comfort in the fact that you'd probably still be here if not for a guy named Chase Utley.

Finally, This one's for you -

Jim Thome -- You single handedly brought excitement back to baseball in this town. Your towering drives off of the McDonald's sign were a sight to behold. A sight many of us thought we would never see again. But you did the right thing and you made room for Ryan Howard, who then made you like like a chump when he pulled a ball over the auto trader sign into the 3rd deck. But you were humble, you were a man of the people and you played the game right. We all appreciate that. You were however, a terrible dresser. Those sweaters you wore looked like something I took my second grade school picture in. I get that you're from the midwest, but it's just no excuse. But thank you...thank you.

And now, the castoffs, rejects and cry babies we suffered through.

This one's NOT for you -

Danny Tartabul -- You batted 7 times as a Phillie, before fouling a ball off your foot and disappearing into the great unknown. We should have known what we were getting. After all, you did once give George Costanza the finger.

This one's NOT for you -

Scott Rolen -- Sure, we're a tough crowd. We want a winner. Before last week, a lot of us had never seen it. You were simply a cry baby. You could have been one of the best to ever play in this town but you wanted an easy town to play in, where the people would love you all the time. Good for you, and the ring you got in St. Louis. It'll never mean as much as a ring in Philadelphia. Also you laughed at me that one time at the Villanova Diner when I was choking on ice cream. That was bush league dude. I could have been hurt.

This one's NOT for you -

Curt Shilling -- '93 was for you, and it's a shame we didn't win it then. But you've won two titles since and you generally seem happy elsewhere. Thanks for all your hard work with ALS but take a hike. Mitch would have never put a towel over his head when you were on the mound. It's all about Curt. Way it's always been, way it's always gonna be.

This one's NOT for you -

J.D. Drew -- You're just a flat out punk. One could argue that it was wrong to throw batteries at you, but I'd argue that the only thing wrong with it was that they weren't attached to a block of C4. Thankfully we never have to think about you again. We'll boo you next time we see you, but we don't care anymore. We're glad you got a ring elsewhere. You don't deserve this one.

This one's NOT for you -

Jose Mesa -- For being the Phillies all time saves leader, you sure did blow some fuckin' huge ones, buddy. Your bright red glove looked like something I could find at Mapes, and your Latin disposition made us feel like you didn't care if we won or lost.

This one's NOT for you -

Ugeth Urtain Urbina -- The famed UUU. Boy did you ever go off the deep end. How is that cell in Caracas by the way?

This one's NOT for you -

Larry Bowa -- I'm convinced you would have ripped this team apart. Then you would have blamed the players and called them soft.

This one's NOT for you -

Aaron Rowand -- You made 'The Catch' and you sold your body out on every play. You had a career year with the Phils and you were a leader in the club house. Your swinging bunt against the Mets last year helped set up a crucial sweep that later vaulted the phillies into the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. Then you chose money over winning. I hope you enjoy cold summers in San Francisco, because you'll never see cold baseball in October again.

This one's NOT for you -

Veteran's Stadium -- You had your time, and you served us well. You're gone now, not forgotten, but the pain has long since faded away. We Love our new home and we love feeling like were part of this century too. Thanks for tearing up so many of our beloved players knees. I park on you now. You're a pretty sweet lot.

Finally, This one's NOT for you -

BOBBY ABREU -- You're the only guy I have ever seen make right field look like a cow pasture. You flat out grazed out there. You were lazy and you were afraid to put yourself into any position that might jeopardize your offensive numbers. I've seen better defense in a rape attempt. I'll give you credit, you could work a count. You were great at getting on base and you had above average speed. But we as fans are not stupid. Don't think we didn't notice you stealing second base when he phils were down 8-1 in the ninth and the first baseman wasn't holding you on. How many solo shots did you hit in games that were out of reach? Stat padder. The Phillies proved almost immediately following your departure that they were a better team without you. I hope you think about that for the rest of your life. Maybe someday you'll get a ring with the Yankees, Won't mean shit to us. I hope the Phillies retire the number 53 so we never have to see it again. Wish we could go Abreu tipping.