Facebook Etiquette

To whom it may concern,

It is down right alarming how much I now know about the happenings in your daily life. Status updates have become the new rape. You are forcing yourselves upon me and so many others. This needs to stop. No means no.

A line needs to be drawn, and it just so happens that I am the one holding the marker.

Below you will find examples of the most unnecessary status updates on facebook. The names have been changed, but not to protect the innocent, because you are not innocent. They have been changed in an effort to prevent slander and libel suits against myself. The crimes of the internet are as follows:

The Chronic Updater - You know this person. He or she updates up to 11 times in a twenty four hour period. Their gems usually look like this:

Clark Mustacho - is awake. 5:44am.

Thanks. I've been up all night worrying, now I can FINALLY get some sleep.

Clark Mustacho - is saying it's not the wise man who holds the pebble but the pebble which is wiser for being held. 6:20 am.

That honestly makes no sense. I could take multiple rips of sour deisel and still not get how that is news worthy or profound.

Clark Mustacho - is sitting in traffic drinking a grande mocha chi. 6:53 am.

Hope you don't spill any of it on your typing thumb. Can't wait to hear what you're doing next...

Clark Mustacho - is just got to work. ARRRRGGHHH! Does anyone else hate Mondays? 7:15 am.

Yes, Garfield also hates Mondays. But he is a cat, and a fictional one at that. Please stop. I beg you.

Clark Mustacho - is just going to leave the is there because i hate deleting it when i update my status! :) 9:20 am.

ugh...

Clark Mustacho - decided that the the is might be unnecessary. what do you think? 9:21 am.

.........

Clark Mustacho - is decided that the is might be unnecessary. what do you think? Typed 'the' twice. Oops, and now the is, is back. :-/ 9:22 am.

Couldn't have figured out that it was a typo on my own. Obliged.

Clark Mustacho - is loves tuna fish but can't stand filing paperwork. 11:02 am.

Really? That's pertinent information?

Clark Mustacho - is just bought a novelty shot glass online for $40 and is stressing about the money... 12:33 pm.

I can think of TWO items that you could probably get for less money. A bullet and a hand gun. It's just a thought.

Clark Mustacho - is only has 4 more days til the weekend. 2:49pm.

This is my all time favorite. As if some of us live on an alternate plane of existence where the days are put in a different order. The weekend consists of saturday and sunday. we're all pretty aware of that.

Clark Mustacho - is going grocery shopping. 4:19 pm.

Sweet, I'll meet you there.

Clark Mustacho - is might like chicken fingers more than nuggets! LOL!!!! Help!!!!! 5:01 pm.

Skip both. Get raw chicken and eat it that way. See what happens. Live on the edge.

Clark Mustacho - is standing in the checkout line, suffering some major ball sweat. 5:16pm.

Really? I mean, really? That's something that you needed to include all of facebook on? Put the phone down and go get yourself some Tussy cream.

Clark Mustacho - is just heard someone yell Christopher in the middle of the parking lot, but didn't look up because my name is Clark. 5:19 pm.

Killing this man is not an option. People will know something is wrong when they don't get constant updates. rats.

Clark Mustacho - is doing laundry. 8:00 pm.

I hate your updates. You're sucking my will to live.

Clark Mustacho - is not alone in this world of many because many of us become one. 10:43 pm.

Uh...huh...

Clark Mustacho - is finally in bed! LOL! Kewl. what a day day. 11:00 pm.

Wait for it...

Clark Mustacho - is finally in bed! LOL! Kewl. What a day. 11:01 pm.

Goodnight, Clark. See you tomorrow for another rousing day.


Its not just the Chronic Updater that gets my goat. There are so many more.
Look I'm a huge Chase Utley fan as well, but if you keep quoting him (and more often than not, mis-quoting him) in your status I'm going to go on a Spree. And I'm not talking about shopping. "World Champions...World fucking Champions!"
Can that be the last time it goes up on facebook? I'm begging you. While we're at it, lets talk about how no one from any of our beloved sports teams are reading your updates. You probably cut out the following:

Joe Regularly - is, great season birds! You are my heart and soul and I was the only one who actually thought you would get this far! Fly eagles fly, you'll get them next year, keep your heads up! 12:09 am.

I feel like you might just be wasting your time and the time of so many others who are trolling for a good update.



God and families probably don't have a place on facebook either. You're not going to sway me back into the church by quoting scripture in your headline. My grandmother used to say that it's impolite to talk about religion and politics in public. She also used to say i was the most handsome boy in school so both must be true.

Laura Germandogskid - is Uncle Richie is back in the hospital after accidentally getting angel hair pasta in his urethra! Say a prayer. 5:34 pm.

I don't think Uncle Richie wants that info out there. I also don't think it was an accident.

Announcing deaths on facebook is like sending a mass text message to everyone in your phone. And you probably don't do that, so why are you inundating us with such private thoughts? (Editors note: All credit goes to Jim SnowboardCompany, here.)


We would all like our loved ones to rest in peace. Facebook just might in fact be purgatory.


Aside from the status updates there are only a few things that really bother me. they are as follows:

I do not want to throw a snowball at your, nor do i want one thrown at me. I just don't get it.

Please do not send me a beer on facebook, but rather buy me one in person. I will more than likely buy you one, as well.

I do not want to join your mob. Under no circumstances will that happen.

I do not like Eagles waves and Phillies Chants. They are senseless.

If you send me something that says you have just been "Kidnapped" I am going to defriend you immediately. If i see you in real life, do not ask me about the defriending. i have reason's for my actions.

I don't want to compare what kind of car i really am with you. I am not a car. I am a person, God Damn it.

Last but certainly not least, I really hate when people take their time to post a note on facebook. Is there really anything worse?