If all else fails...

Someone recently told me that the current job market "sucks". According to this source, the economy is in shambles, layoffs are the new black, and I should hold onto everything I have, because it all might be gone in the morning.I, like another famous black man, have a dream. What is my dream exactly? Well, it is to be a professional roller blader, of course. But I don't need validation. I can skate backwards at an advanced level, and I listen to The Prodigy. That speaks for itself.

Alas, there are currently no professional roller blading leagues, and "agressive in line skating" is for Mo's. It is inevitable that I will have to seek another career, at least in the mean time. Please feel free to pass this resume onto anyone in the market for 'a real go-getter'.

The Shore House
Havertown, PA 19083
UnitedSk8sOfAmerica@gmail.com
Stephen M. Keenan

Objective

To obtain employment in a laid back business setting, possibly working in sales, or maybe just telling jokes and forwarding emails, all from a comfortable chair, or love seat. Ottoman would be a plus, but is not a requirement. Will accept position as test sleeper in mattress factory.

Professional Summary

An outgoing, and energetic individual with a comprehensive knowledge of people seeks to utilize his dynamic talents and semi professional background. Is known for being a leader, as well as using words to distract you. Excels in napping, but is not above full out sleep on the job.

Education

Archbishop Carroll High School, 1996-2000

Diploma (Everyone Gets One)

Best Story Teller in the class of 2000. (Cheers to whatever nerd got the math award.)

Number 8 on the Leading scorer list in the 2000 Flyers Cup Championship racking up a mind blowing one goal, and two assists, in 3 games.

Fan of soccer.

Finalist for Prom King. (Beaten out by another guy named Steve. ( Sever kick to the nuts.))

All general courses studied, none processed.



Pennsylvania State University, 2000- when I have the time and money to finish. I know I fucked up, save your judgment.

Ice Hockey. Left wing on the 2000-2001 'Crash Line'.

Skipped a lot of classes, opted for Burger King breakfast instead.

Racked up a record amount of parking tickets. (Theme continued throughout life.)

Dated Jackie Callaghan.

Majored in Regret.




Professional Background

Villanova Hardware, 1991-2002

Heir To The Throne.

Responsibilities included, but were not limited to, eating free food at the pizza place next door and playing frisbee at Villanova University.

J.W. Bickers Tree Service, Bryn Mawr, PA. 1996-1999

Ground crew.

Was required to collect debris from tree trimming/removal, dispose of wood in an extremely intimidating wood chipper, direct traffic.

Spent one summer dealing with a food poisoning. Couldn't eat a cracker without needing a bathroom. Spent a lot of time learning about "Roughing it" in the back of the wood chip truck.

Spent most of my free time finding excuses to go to the truck which had the most hard core pornographic image I had seen to date taped up inside the cab.

Eventually quit to pursue a career in just being a high school kid.



The Villanova Skating Center, 1997-2003

King Shit

Skate Guard, Disc Jockey

Excelled in forward and backward skating

Looked incredible in a referee shirt.

Could out skate you, in shoes.

Responsibilities included, meeting most of my high school girlfriends, skating, and playing hockey for free.

Once punched a dog because it tried to eat my breakfast.


The Garrett Williamson Foundation, Newtown Square, PA 1997-1998

Responsibilities included cutting grass on a large working farm, maintaining the sanitation of a summer day camp, getting a tan.

Once had a brilliant idea to cut the grass in the shape of a star like I had recently seen done in a major league baseball all-star game. The final product came out looking more like a Star of David, according to multiple irate sources.

Subsequently was not asked back the following summer.



The Gun Boat, Bar and Grille. East Falls, PA., 2002

DJ, cook, occasional bartender.

Responsibilities included: babysitting the owners 30 year old daughter who might have been missing half of her sixth chromosome, but loved Stevie B.

Cooking sometimes.

Providing hostile twenty-somethings with fight music every Friday and Saturday night.

Once saw that a girl had nipple rings, told her to buy me a shot, and dated her for a year.

Was oblivious at the time that you don't date "those girls".

Still might be.

Maloney's Pub, Bryn Mawr, Pa., 2002

Cook, Bartender.

Mostly did shots.

Was known to take my pants off during Irene Cara's 'What A Feeling'.

Was/is convinced she wanted me to, "take my pants off, and make it happen."


Dan's Sports Pub, Phoenixville, PA. 2003-2004

Bartender, Part time manager by default.

Was expected to drink at least 3 red bull and vodka's while on the clock.

Took the rules very seriously.

Once had sex with the other bartender because she put on 'Feel Like Makin' Love', and started taking her cloths off.

Was/is Morally weak.

The Bryn Mawr Pub, 2004-2007

Manager, bartender, Crazy girl magnet, sucker.

Responsibilities included: Making drinks, seriously ruing that college thing, covering for the owner while he was off doing shifty things, pouring said owner endless amounts of Crown Royal, assuming all responsibility of quelling customer uproar over a clearly failing business. Overseeing the staff of US foods reload their truck after I presented them a check, because the last 3 had bounced. Wetting panties with my musical stylings on Thursday nights.

May or may not have known about Mexican's living illegally in the unfinished apartment upstairs.

May or may not have partied with them.

Ferry Site Management, 2006.

Spent one summer working for a landscaping company.

The only objective was to work every possible hour out of every day so I wouldn't have to go home to my unnecessarily mean girlfriend.

Got poison ivy twice in the first month.

Split foot open on vacation. Subsequently called my boss and told him, "I'm going on the 15 day DL. Possibly Injured Reserve." Told him I'd get back to him. I did not.




The Oakmont National Pub, 2003-Present.

Bartender, Manager, Vaunted lover, Sabbatical taker, Prodigal Son.

Responsibilities included: Being the best bartender I can be.

Knowing that you like bitters in your Manhattan.

Giving you three olives when you only ask for one.

Putting salt on your coaster because it keeps sticking to the bottom of your drink.

Expertly drawing a Shamrock onto the head of your Guinness.

Big picture stuff.


After reading this, it is probably obvious to you that I am over qualified for WHATEVER position you have open. I am clearly head and shoulders above the competition. I will be patiently awaiting your response.

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